


He Looks

by Michael_Ackart



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Custom Commander Shepard, M/M, Mass Effect 2, No Sex, Scars, Self-Loathing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-15
Updated: 2015-03-15
Packaged: 2018-03-17 20:40:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3543071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Michael_Ackart/pseuds/Michael_Ackart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He looks so different from how he remembers. He is the savior of the Citadel, the killer of Collectors, not even death can stop him.</p><p>But when Shepard looks in that mirror, all he sees is a monster.</p>
            </blockquote>





	He Looks

He rarely looked in the mirror these days.

He never really thought about it at first. There was always a mission, always someone who needed help or a bullet in the head. The commander took a shower when he could, glanced in the mirror briefly once he finished shaving to make sure nothing was amiss. There was simply no time to care too much about how he looked. He did when he was younger, his time in the gang had sometimes depended on it—look innocent, look intimidating, look seductive.

But it wasn’t until Illium that he realized that was only an excuse.

They’d been drinking at Eternity, him and Garrus and Miranda and Grunt. Everything Shepard needed to do there was taken care of. Miranda’s sister was safe, the Normandy picked up two new crew members, and he decided to take a few extra hours before heading back into the dark abyss of space. Once the four of them had enough alcohol to feel a little better, they went back to the Normandy. But on the way out, some drunken salarian heavily bumped into Shepard’s shoulder.

“Hey!” the brunette human growled as he turned around.

But then the alien took one glance at his face, yelled ‘Monster!’ and scrambled away.

“Yeah, you better run!” he laughed, feeling only slightly buzzed. No one else paid it any mind either, laughing with him.

But as he stepped onboard the Normandy, the look of terror on the salarian’s face kept flashing through his mind. Once Joker had their next destination plotted, Shepard was slipping inside the elevator to go to his cabin. He stalked towards the bathroom, to the only mirror in his quarters.

He was stunned at the creature that stared back.

The left side of his face was covered in cybernetic scars and the right side was quickly joining with more each day. The skin in between the deep lines was paler than it should’ve been. It looked like a blind krogan stitched him up instead of the multiple, precise surgeries that he knew he’d undergone. But it was the eyes that really scared him.

Gone were the three small red dots that had been in his bright green pupils. Under this light, his eyes now had an unnatural red glow. He looked like a vampire, or a creature out of some horror vid. He looked like a-

“Monster.”

He suddenly flinched wildly, as if he didn’t expect the sound of his own voice. He stumbled away from the mirror and into the main room of his quarters. Those eyes would haunt him for a long time.

Why did no one say anything to him? Chakwas had mentioned surgery for the scarring in the past. But that was when they weren’t that prominent, when it just would’ve been a waste of resources. Had it been so gradual that the crew, his friends, didn’t notice? He could still have the surgery, but would that fix his red synthetic pupils?

His head suddenly hurt and he sat down at his desk. But then a smile was curling his lips and he felt as crazy as he looked. He _was_ scary, for reasons far beyond this. What better way to intimidate his enemies? Fuck the surgery. This was the creature that Cerberus deserved.

The scars slowly grew with each mission and his red eyes shined just as brightly as that day in his cabin. He didn’t care, he told himself. It worked in scaring his lesser enemies.

But he now refused to look at his reflection unless it was absolutely necessary. A small price to pay, he told himself.

10101010101

A few weeks after the incident on Illium, Shepard found himself in the Citadel’s Presidium. The Normandy needed supplies and he had a few errands to take care of. But now he was on his way to visit Anderson. The older man was able to free a couple hours in his schedule for the commander.

‘Don’t freak out when you see me,’ he joked over the message, though he knew his tone wouldn’t come across in text.

‘Why would I?’

‘You’ll see.’

Shepard stepped alone into the captain’s office and he smiled at seeing his old friend. Anderson stood to greet him, no change in expression when he saw the brunette’s new look.

“I think it suits me,” Shepard said, trying not to show how uncomfortable he truly felt.

“You have more scars,” Anderson said simply.

“I could have surgery to fix it but I figured it couldn’t hurt to look as intimidating as possible.”

“True enough. How are you doing, Cal?”

“I’m okay. Really. Just...keeping my focus on what matters.”

“If anyone can get it done, it’s you.”

They talked for a while before Shepard brought another subject up. “I’ve been meaning to ask you. Have you talked to Kaidan?”

“After Horizon, you mean?”

“Yeah.”

He sighed and Cal was immediately disheartened. “I tried. He was upset. And I think part of him didn’t want to believe it was really you.”

“But it is me.”

“I know that. Like I said, I tried the best I could for you. I don’t like that you’re working for Cerberus but I get why.”

“I miss him. I thought he missed me too,” Shepard muttered in a moment of vulnerability. He’d barely spoken to anyone about what happened with his (ex?) boyfriend. But he knew he could talk to Anderson freely.

“That’s not fair. You know that. Look, who knows what’ll happen after you finish your mission. You two could make up.”

“Yeah...” He shouldn’t have asked. If Kaidan felt any differently from that day then he would’ve contacted Cal already.

They spent a little more time together before Shepard left. They shook hands before Anderson hugged him instead. The commander was glad he at least believed in him. Cal walked out of his office feeling better than when he went in and went down the main hall that led to the rest of the Presidium.

He barely paid attention, getting lost in his thoughts as he tended to do. He didn’t notice anyone turn the corner a few meters away, didn’t see how they froze and studied him for a few moments. But a loud gasp cut through his whirling mind and he stopped.

Abnormal eyes widened and he blinked a few times before he realized the person at the end of the hall was Kaidan. The older man seemed rooted to the ground as he stared at Cal, his mouth opened slightly in shock. Then Cal remembered. His face was littered with a lot more scars since Horizon and his eyes had still held their natural green hue.

An anxious energy pumped through his body and he was torn between running away and throwing up on the floor. His hands balled into fists, fingernails digging into palms as he tried to stop their trembling. Kaidan may have said awful things to him before but he didn’t deserve to see Cal as some warped imitation of the man he once loved.

_Monster._

It may have been in his head, but that one word was the loudest thing Shepard had ever heard.

_You’re a monster._

And it was true. He was. Not just physically but because of the ruthless things he’d done. It was necessary, all of it, but at the end of the day he was still unable to stomach the thought of himself.

“What are they doing to you?” Kaidan whispered. He sounded horrified.

Shepard just stared, unable to answer. He had done this to himself.

All the emotions he’d buried since waking from death were rising to the surface. They bubbled up during Horizon but he was able to shut himself down in order to keep focus on the mission. But here in the Citadel, looking through frightening eyes at the man he still loved was torture.

He took a shaky step forward and breathed a harsh sigh of relief when Kaidan didn’t move. If he had taken a step back, Shepard probably would’ve shattered. The older man stared at him a moment longer before closing the distance between them. Hands cupped Cal’s face, right over stubble and scars he couldn’t stand to touch himself. But Kaidan was unflinching, even as he met his eerie gaze.

“It isn’t them,” Shepard said hoarsely and his legs felt like they could give out any second.

“Tell me what happened, Cal.”

It felt so good to hear his name on Kaidan’s lips, his first name that almost no one except his lover used. He never expected to see Kaidan while he was like this and now his reasoning behind everything seemed wrong. “I chose to be like this. I chose to become a monster.”

Kaidan chuckled without any humor. “Didn’t we have this conversation when we first got together?” He pressed his forehead against Shepard’s pale scarred one. “You’re not a monster. You never have been.”

How ironic that this would be the situation where Kaidan decided to comfort him. Shepard was tired. So, so tired and he knew there was still a long way to go. He closed his eyes against the tears that began to well.

“I’m sorry,” he heard whispered at his ear and Shepard realized that his head was now pressed against the older biotic’s shoulder. Kaidan’s arms were around him and he returned the embrace.

Cal looked up as he felt the first tear fall and he dimly wondered if it was possible for it to be blood. He wanted to ask what he was apologizing for but didn’t get the chance as Kaidan pressed their lips together. The brunette moaned softly into the kiss, yearning for the contact.

“We do what we have to,” Kaidan said when they finally pulled apart. “I’ve always loved you just the way you are.”

Shepard blinked at him. “Things won’t always be like this,” he said, referring to his partnership with the Illusive Man.

“No, they won’t,” Kaidan agreed, referring to so much more.

Everything beyond this moment was unpredictable and completely out of Shepard’s control. He had no idea where he would be in even a day and had only the hope that he and Kaidan could work through their issues from Horizon. The uncertainty scared him more than the monster did. But here he was, standing with that one person in the galaxy who knew him best. Even when Cal was frightened of himself, Kaidan remained unfazed.

The monster wouldn’t last forever, but for now, he was necessary. They were soldiers who had an incredible burden thrust upon them and to handle that, they did what they had to. Shepard knew that. But Kaidan wasn’t afraid of him, he’d never been afraid of him, and that would help him to not be so afraid of himself. The monster was a tool, just like Cerberus. The Illusive Man held no control over him and the monster, the monster no longer would either.

“Let’s take a walk together,” Kaidan murmured, and that simple sentence was enough to temporarily drive the demons away.


End file.
